Invitations
I have this friend who's always saying, "Oh, I never see you! You never come over!" And yet she never invites me over. I invite her for dinner and such about once a month and she always comes, but I'm never invited over for coffee, or dinner, or anything.
Basically, if I want to go over to her house, I either have to show up unannounced (which everyone just loves) or call her up and invite myself over. She always seems happy to see me on these occasions, but I feel like I'm the one who always has to do all the work.
I like spending time with her, but my weekends tend to get filled up with people who've actually invited me over. Unless I don't have any plans, I don't tend to think about calling up people to invite myself over to their houses. You know what I mean? When I was a kid, my mom taught me that it was rude to call up a friend and ask if you could come over to their house. I either had to invite them to my house or wait for an invitation.
And I'm getting kind of resentful of being made to feel guilty for not coming over to their house more. Is it me, or is this a little weird?
posted by Trillian @ 7:39 PM
8 comments
8 Comments:
You're not weird. I have these relatives that are exactly the same. Whenever I see them, they call me a stranger etc, and yet when I look back, they have never once come to visit me, though I have lived in this city for 17 years.
The sxKitten has this friend who's like that, too. We'd been together six years before we finally met, because she never calls.
So no, you're not weird.
It's a passive-aggressive kind of thing - she can blame you for the results of her own shortcomings. Next time she says "You never come over" come back at her with "I'll be there as soon as you invite me."
I used to worry a lot that it was somehow my fault when things like this happened. I finally decided that it wasn't worth it - if I spent more time worrying about a friendship than I did enjoying it, that it wasn't really a relationship I needed.
PS. my mom taught me the same thing, and I think she's right.
The general invitation - as opposed to one with a specific time, date and plan - is no more fulfilling or worthwhile than an air kiss. It exhibits much flurry on the surface, but it ultimately meaningless, and it betrays the speaker's lack of sincerity in following through.
The weirdness lies firmly in your so-called friend's lap, not yours.
I agree, it is a bit weird. I have some friends like that too, though. I either invite them over when I feel like it or I don't, and if I don't hear from them for a bit I don't stress. They don't tell me that they never see me though. Maybe you just need to think of a good comeback to their line. Um, how about:
"I know. It just seems like you don't have the time for me anymore."
Unless she's really dense, maybe she'll get it.
Your post reminds me of the old Woody Allen quip: "I wouldn't want to part of any club that would have a guy like me as a member". She's learned that being aloof means that people will beg for her approval and attention. I'm willing to give people the benefit of the doubt for a long time, but after a while, non-reciprocal relationships need to be jettisoned. They suck the life right out of you. This relationship is doomed, and I think a frank heart-to-heart at this point will only lead to months of strained, awkward moments before the inevitable break...Walking away is the best thing you can do...although pooping on her lawn might be a bit more cathartic.
Thanks for all of your advice. I do appreciate it, and I'm glad it's not just me!
That was me (what a loser!)
I get the same thing from people who say "you never call." Phone works both ways, right?
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